My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
