I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
