I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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