Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
