Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
