I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
