well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
