2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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