The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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