I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
