if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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