theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
