The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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