We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
