You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
50% drunk capacity currently
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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