I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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