we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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