I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
You dont lie about slip and slides
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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