my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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