if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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