Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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