3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
