Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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