Swine flu. Run for my life!
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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