I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
