Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
