My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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