god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
