The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
