the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
