I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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