Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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