You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
