I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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