I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
