Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
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