He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
