last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
she pinky promised me she was 18
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
