thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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