if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
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Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
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You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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