I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
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