mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
