i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
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