i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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