Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
