You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
