Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Randomize
