I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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