I faked an abortion last night.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
