farters have to be the big spoon...
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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