i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
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I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
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I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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