you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
do nipples grow back?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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