he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
