the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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