Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
