Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
